An epiphany of sorts

I’ve always been a boozehag. I love my wine and partying with friends til the wee hours, albeit I’m the one who’s usually the messiest. But it’s okay, it’s what I do. I ring around the next day, check I haven’t made too big a dick of myself and shake it off, ready for next time. All the while hating myself for not being able to control my drinking.

Then I had kids and suddenly had the perfect excuse for not going out and getting drunk all the time. Yet on the very rare occasions I’ve had nights away from home, I’ve got plastered.

Meanwhile, on the home front I’ve steadily had a glass a night. As I said earlier, proud as punch that I’m in control and stopping after that one.

So what am I scared of? Why do I have to stop? My boozy brain asks.

My dear boozy brain who I know so weIl… If I don’t stop now, I’m going to tumble down the slippery slope that leads to four glasses of wine a night. It will happen in the blink of an eye and right now I have to change my path.

And that, said Mum, is that.


A sunny day.

It’s a lovely sunny day today. I can hear cicadas chirping away outside which is always a welcome sound.

I was so tempted to have a glass of wine last night. I busied myself with tidying, cleaning and then exercising but every few minutes the thought of sitting down and sipping away suddenly invaded my thoughts. It’s quite frightening to realise the hold that booze has on me.

I know that the longer I am sober, the less the thoughts will haunt me. It is much harder to stay away from the demons than it is to indulge in them. I find that times pop into my mind where I let myself get wrecked because it was so much easier than dealing with the difficult situation I happened to be in.  On one hand, I find myself feeling aggrieved that I’m unable to be that person who has a casual drink but on the other hand I feel so incredibly brave that I am ready to face situations boldly and without liquid support. Yes it will be hard and yes I’m sure that there will be angst but I’m going to do it!

The fog is lifting.

I feel so much better today. I slept better than I have in a long time and actually feel that I can get through this day without 100 coffees.

Last year, when I was sober for 53 days, I felt amazing, clear headed and almost reborn. Then the glass of wine every few nights slid back in, becoming a glass every night and then the binge this past weekend. Looking back, that lovely feeling of freedom and clarity had gone but at the time I couldn’t see that it had changed. How strange that sounds. I guess that’s what the booze does to you though, clouds (completely obliterates) your ability to see the truth.

I lay in bed last night and though about booze and its claws. How for some, it never lets you go. I was reading the introduction to  ‘Mrs D Is Going Without’ and with sudden frightening clarity realised that I can never drink again. That one glass will ALWAYS pull me back into the trenches and I will always have to start from square one every time. No, it’s not fair but there’s not a lot I can do about it. Yesterday I didn’t have hope that I would be able to manage but today I do.

Today I feel pretty darn good.

Day four…

Yesterday was hard. I got home from work to chaos as my husband had been home with the youngest. The oldest then pushed the youngest who split his lip, I yelled and my hernia popped out. After seeing to the little ones, I then had to spend two hours waiting in A&E to have my hernia seen too because I couldn’t pop it back in.

I feel like this week so far has been disaster after disaster and of course my cynical side is blaming my binge on the weekend for contributing to the madness. But I drove home and resisted the urge to stop and get some wine. And I won’t get any tonight on the way home either.

I still feel sluggish though. Waiting waiting waiting for it to lift. It will soon won’t it?

One day at a time.

I read a fantastic blog last night in which the writer said that he had been told never to think ‘I’m never drinking again’ as that will almost always cause a relapse. His way is to focus on getting through one day at a time and to make it to bed without having a drink. I think I can manage that.

Last night I had water with lime and lemon slices. My husband looked at me strangely but I didn’t say anything. He’s heard it too many times before and then I’ve never kept my promises. I need to have some time and days under my belt before I can talk to him about it.

I feel really tired still. My head is fuzzy and I feel sluggish. I know this will pass and soon the empowerment and freedom will set in. This time I’m not letting that go. We sang a song in assembly today about how the freedom is inside, deep deep down. I just have to embrace mine and hold on to it.

Over it.

The carpet is blurring and I’m so over it. For two and a half years I have been battling with sobriety.

On October 22nd 2012, I came to sitting on my friend’s staircase with sick on my knees. I vowed then that I would never get into that state again. I sought help through therapy and until December 2014 was doing well. I never had more than two drinks and for a couple of months totally abstained from alcohol.

Then the devil snuck back in. Though in retrospect, I don’t think it ever left.

Firstly, just after Christmas where the stress of staying with family, a sick husband and looking after my 1 and 3 yr old led to too many wines and a horrible hangover with all the usual associated guilt for the next couple of days.

I cut down again, a glass here and there which quickly turned into one (just one because that’s okay I told myself) each night. No more though, I felt in control.

Then, this past weekend, I went away with friends to a concert and despite trying everything (well not everything, obviously I didn’t try not drinking), I got drunk. Thankfully, not as drunk as I would have in my pre-children drinking days but drunk enough that today the carpet is blurring from my tiredness and I am over it.

Enough is enough. I have to face up to the fact that I cannot moderate drink, I cannot control it and I cannot have one or two without it leaving a taint, a hook, an ever so gentle finger slowly pulling me backwards.

The thought of never drinking again is utterly terrifying. We are going to a wedding in a few weeks and will be sat with my pre-children drinking friends. How will I manage that?

So, like many others before me, I am going sober and using this blog as my tool to sobriety. I can and will do this properly.

The simple answer is that I have to stop drinking no matter how. I’m sick of the pull, I’m sick of the terrible shadows inside that whisper to me that my drinking is not okay.