Day 100 arrived and I bounced out of bed, full of beans. By pure luck, it was a public holiday here – Queen’s birthday and my sister stopped by and offered to look after the kids so that me and hubby could go out for the afternoon. I think she was still talking as the car drove out of the garage 😉
We went to Briscoes – a nationwide houseware store that always has a sale on – to stock up on towels and sheets. As we browsed the glassware, I turned a corner to be confronted by pint glasses. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. Tears welled as I ached with nostalgia for lazy afternoons in a London pub, fun times with friends, the hedonism of my youth. A quick note to add that my nostalgia did not stretch to include the latter part of these afternoons and evenings which always ended in slurring drunkenness… Anyway, these feelings came totally out of left field and I was nearly floored by them. I fled to the other side of the shop and looked at the mops, blinking back tears and trying not to hyperventilate.
A while later we were at the supermarket and I walked past the wine knowing that the past is in the past and that the way I live my life is what it is. I guess I get a bit overwhelmed at what used to be. The shame and pain still lurks and even though I feel strong and in control, sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be okay with why I’ve ended up here. One day I’ll forgive myself – hopefully sooner rather than later.
Further note to add that after the supermarket, I treated myself to a very nice and very big ice cream.